Of Masks and Masculinity

(Presented October 26, 1997)

© 1997, Hank Peirce

This past week my nine year old niece asked me

what I was going to be for Halloween.

To tell you the truth I hadn’t thought about dressing up,

and gave her the lame excuse that grown ups don’t always dress up.

She then told me that her mother, my twin sister was dressing up,

I was trapped./ What should I tell her?

That I really hate dressing up,

that my ego prevents me from putting on a costume.

That I feel really uncomfortable pretending that I’m someone or something else.

I really can’t remember what I told her, and I know that I’ll be presented with the same question this afternoon when I see her again.

Her question, and the whole experience of Halloween always makes me uneasy, and I’m not really sure why.

Maybe my strong desire to always play the non-conformist hampers my enjoyment of Halloween.

There is something about wearing masks that is very mysterious to me, and I mean mysterious in the other worldly sense of the word.

By wearing a mask a person is not only able to hide or disguise

themselves, but they are able to become the image on the mask.

And if you don’t believe me just wait until Friday night.

I am always amazed how a mask will change a child,

all of a sudden they feel that they are protected from reproach

because they have a costume on.

Of course we all have worn masks at some time,

and I mean more than just the Halloween costume.

I mean the mask of adulthood, of womanhood, of manhood,

the mask that comes along with a certain role, an identity, a personality.

By wearing the mask, by acting and dressing a part

we are able to grow into a certain role./

Like the child who imitates a hero, is seized by the actuality of heroism.

Masks can help the wearer grow into a role,

to become who they need to be.

I remember how serious I would act when I first began wearing neck ties.

(last year)

Masks can also causes people to act differently to the wearer of the mask, people will treat others differently because of mask worn./

If any of you have any friends who are police officers,

you may remember the first time you saw your friend in that uniform,

and how conflicted you may have felt because that person was now both,

your friend as well as a symbol, a symbol for so many things.

At times masks can facilitate growth and at other times they can also constrict or restrict growth.

There are masks that we wear by choice that we may find trapped in at a later date and must work to escape from;

the mask of the obedient child, or the class clown, or happy spouse.

There are masks that we wear because are parents wore them,

or people in our race, class, or in community have worn them before us,

and the expectation is that we will wear them in the same way.

Now all of us are aware that a number of groups of people have

removed the masks that had been given to them to wear.

African-Americans, Women, Gays and Lesbians to just name a few,

have recognized the damage done to them by wearing masks that portray them as being less human.

It has not been easy for these groups to remove these masks,

and it has been even harder to find new identities to replace the old ones.

But it is being done, and we are all better off because

these people are able to define themselves,

detached from the roles of the past.

However, one group of people has a hard time recognizing,

no not recognizing, accepting that they wear a mask that no longer fits.

I am of course speaking of men,

and the reason why so many of us,

and I include myself because I too wear this mask as well.

The reason why so many of us can not admit that there are aspects

of masculinity that we need to change or shed.

Is not because of pride, it’s not like asking for direction,

it is because we have believed that men are the top dogs of society.

We have accepted the adage that "it’s a man’s world,"

and that everything in society is established for men to prosper.

Yet because we believe this,

we have blinded ourselves to the negative parts of the mask of masculinity.

> The fact that men die 8 years earlier than women do,

> that men succeed in committing suicide at a higher rate than women

> do, that men have more heart attacks, more ulcers, more cancer,

>commit more crimes and are killed at a higher rate than women are./

Has been seen as acceptable because the pay off is supposedly so large.

The pay off is the belief that by living in these ways

we’ll be better off, we’ll be able to show how masculine we are.

We will be better able to provide and protect our partners,

our families, our society, and whether we do this physically or economically does not matter on the masculine score card.

However, the pay off that comes from following these rules,

that comes by living and acting according to the mask.

Those pay offs are few and far between,

and we must admit that it is getting harder to wear that mask.

We need to admit that it has always been hard to live up to these requirements.

I’m sure each and everyone of us have great stories of times

when we fulfilled that male role.

When you fought for your country,

when you went without so your wife and children could have,

when you landed that deal at work.

When you won a softball game against your first girlfriend’s husband’s team. (I bring that up only as an example) /

It is an amazing feeling, it is almost a high

because you are finally fulfilling the lessons

that you may have internalized from a young age.

a lesson passed on from family, from television, and maybe even from church, about how man has to act.

To be stoic, strong, and straight. /

To act like a man is sometimes like putting on an old jacket,

it is comfortable friend,

At other times it more like putting on armor which will protect you from pain, but it will also keep you from feeling anything./

That high from finally filling that mask does wear off,

and it becomes harder and harder to get that same sort of feeling again,

for a number of reasons.

The first is that the opportunities to fulfill the masculine identity

do not present themselves as readily as they have in the past.

There have been so many social changes which affect the role of men

it would be hard to name them all.

There has been a rise of awareness and action of women and others,

to their own suffering due to a society which has favored the thoughts and actions of men.

And the economy,

more than any other external force, the need for women to enter the workplace as equals (though pay rate is another thing)

in order for a family to be comfortable,

There is also an ethical dimension, an internal recognition

of a conflict, that often for me to feel good someone else has to feel bad.

Men are frequently described as being non-emotional,

and I don’t think that that is true, I feel that men are emotional

but are conditioned not to communicate emotion except in a few gender-acceptable ways. /

There is a silent frustration among many men who recognize conflicting ideas, and entangled objectives and beliefs.

Who are hamstrung by the cultural norms they have often worn.

It would be difficult not to recognize that the down side of the masculine mask is occurring more and more often. /

But as I said before it not about recognition it is about acceptance,

acceptance of the idea that this mask no longer fits.

* We may recognize the health problems that occur to men due to the stress of our culture.

But can we accept that we too may suffer from these social diseases,

no matter how enlightened we are,

or how much time we spend on the stairmaster at the gym.

* We can recognize that the one million men who went to the Promise Keepers rally in DC are in pain and want to do the right thing.

But can we accept that we have similar pain and similar problems

with commitment and relationships,

and the feelings of self-doubt as those men do.

* And can we as UUs accept the idea that maybe prayer may work,

and are able to acknowledge our own wish that salvation from our imperfections were as easy as it was presented on the Mall.

* We can recognize the need for new understandings of the divine and the Holy in human relations.

But are we able or willing to accept a universe where we are no longer the center,

where we will no longer be examples of God’s Grace and blessing,

but examples of those who have been blind to all suffering. /

* We can all recognize that the reason why there is so much domestic violence in our communities is due to a sense of a loss of power in men’s lives. /

But can we accept that we too hold parts of those same fears and rage

as those men who have abused, /

because we wear a mask that was forged on the same school yards,

and in the same streets and homes as those men.

These are heavy indictments,

And I am not saying this to get people angry,

Nor am I doing it to please others who may have been worried,

I say these things because it is often a hard truth that shakes the foundations.

Like the child in the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes

I’m pointing out things that many of us already know.

But I hope I’m expressing the context in which men live

in order for all people to be able to better understand the actions of men.

I am not an apologist for men, creating excuses for their bad actions.

I can not speak for all men,

can not even speak for all white men who grew up in New England.

I can only speak from my experience and hope that I’m expressing

truths that speak to the concerns of many men.

And which may also help us all reflect on the masks that we all wear.

*****

Carl Jung and other psychoanalysts identified aspects

of human nature by studying men and assigning any quality not found in this group of men to women.

For Jung women were tender, compassionate, and irrational,

while men were rational, logical, but not compassionate.

Today we can look back at these as examples flawed gender studies,

but we should recognize that there are aspects of men and women

that are different.

I’m not saying Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

However, there are attributes, attributes that all human’s share that men and women handle differently.

Women tend to handle stressful jobs better than men do,

which perhaps comes from being hard wired to nurture children.

But that is not to say that women can only nurture children

or that men don’t have the facilities to nurture.

There are many things that men is good at,

and are better prepared to deal with.

Men are physically stronger and perhaps because of this tend to be willing to employ risk.

And maybe that is the aspect of masculinity that I hope men use now.

The ability to risk.

In order for men to move beyond a social system which is killing them and causing injury to countless others.

They, we must be will to risk leaving the fleshpots of Egypt

and hope that there is another land, a land of milk and honey out there.

We must be willing to risk spending 40 years in the desert

in order to get there. /

I don’t have the answer I have no plan but I have faith and hope

that there is a new manifestation at hand.

And I have recently been inspired by a the plot of a

new British film has been a huge success here in America.

the film address many of the subjects and issues that I have brought up this morning.

How men are caught in a conundrum trying to figure out who they are once they have lost their jobs, their marriages, and their children.

The film is entitled The Full Monty, perhaps you have already seen it.

(I know that I am putting myself in a bad place by being a movie critic in the pulpit)

In the film a group of out of work steel workers decide that the only way that they can make money to pay off loan agencies,

and pay off their alimony,

and regain some assurance in their masculinity

is to become male strippers.

OK so it sounds a little far fetched.

But it is such a wicked example of consensus raising.

Here are a bunch of men who only after they have lost their jobs, and had the role of providers and protectors taken away from them do they become unencumbered and begin to really show,

and share their emotions.

The theme of men removing the outdated and ill fitting roles of masculinity, the mask as it were,

comes together in the final scene.

Here you see these men, these ordinary men

not great looking men, out of shape men, balding men,

young men and old men, dressed as security guards.

What could be a more symbolic image of manhood, but as the protector

and yet it is this image which they are shedding.

> They are saying that they can no longer fit into these roles!

> They can’t wear this flawed mask and must cast it off!

> And that is what they do, to the cheers of their friends and loved ones assembled in the club. //

OK so maybe I read a bit to far into the plot.

Though it would be an interesting way for us to raise funds to repair the roof, Bennetts Boys.

But I must admit that the film hits the nail on the head

not only by dealing with men’s angst, but also giving us a charge.

Throw off that mask,

that mask that no longer fits and we’ll all be better off with out it.

And we should know that we have supporters who love us and want us to begin to change to create that new manifestation

Today when my niece once again asks what I’ll be for Halloween,

I’ll tell her that I’m not sure what I’ll be

but I know what I will won’t be.